hi,
To be honest i feel very similar to yourself I,m 5 months into remission and find it difficult not to think about it all the time.I do however try and keep myself very busy i plan my week ahead and try and keep my diary as busy as poss and i say to myself don,t put myself through those what ifs!! your not being fair to yourself weve been through enough already and I think of all the people in my life they would,nt want to see me upset all the time.
I,ve just recentley bought a lovely boxer puppy called bertie lots of walking and lots of love hes helped no end xx
take care Amanda

Hi Lynn,
It is a difficult one to answer, because we are all different. Firstly; it is impossible to stay positive all the time; you have had a huge shock and will be suffering from post-traumatic shock in several ways. For me; it is important to research and do what I can to prevent what I identify as being the cause (stress and over-work) from setting me up to become ill again. So, I have arranged my life to do the things that make me happy and relaxed; I eat the foods that support my health best, and I exercise as much as I can.
I also make sure that there are people around me who respect my fears and to whom I can speak about them.
I think it is also impotant to recognise that you are an individual; what happens to other people does not dictate what will happen to you. As when you buy a new car, every other car on the road is suddenly the same make and model, when in the aftermath of treatment, every other news report, book, radio report etc, etc, is about someone who has or has died from ov.ca. Don't let this bring you down. Gradually time will give you the confidence to move on a little from the fear, although I suspect it never quite goes way. Remember, those who have walked away without recurrence tend to stop focussing on it, and melt into the background.
I had a grade 3, stage 3c cancer, and finished treatment 2.5 years ago. I derive great comfort from the knowledge of what can be done on an individual basis to minimise the risk of return.
Very best wishes,
Isadora.

Hi Lynn

I am so sorry that you are going through this and feeling as you do. You are such a brave lady and I so so wished I had a magic wand that could make all this go away for you.

I do not think that this perception that "staying positive" improves survival is correct or is evidence based.

I had borderline OVCA , so have had nowhere near the trauma or the follow up tretament that ladies with invasive OVCA had. But I had ongoing post op pain that was so severe and disabling that I feared that I would have to give up a job and a "life" that I had worked incredibly hard to get. I also had a second operation, when I was re-opened from my rib cage down to my pubic bone five months after the first operation, that was extremely traumatic physically and emotionally.

What helped me greatly was medication for the pain that is also an antidepressant plus CBT. One , called Living Life to the Full is available free on the internet and is more a lifeskills course. You identify what makes you feel good and try to do more of that.There are also various mindfullness courses on the net that also help alot.Consider trying these if you haven't already Lynn.

Sorry not to be of more help.

Charlie xxx

Hi Lynn,

I am so sorry to read you are feeling so depressed when you are coming to the end of your treatment. I was living in an 'unknown' world of o/c when I finished my first line chemo. As far as I was concerned I was fine, it wouldn't come back, I was so positive, but then I didn't belong to OVACOM or any other cancer site and could read how indeed it could come back - I was so ignorant of the disease. This was way back in April 2007,

Since then my hopes have been dashed and it returned with a vengeance, but my positivity to staying alive will always be with me. Sorry Charlie but I totally disagree with your non positive thoughts. I remain positive, set myself goals, the keep fit side has gone down the drain as the chemo is making me so fatigued ,I just can't exercise any more. But I have been on maintenance chemo now for almost 4 years, my cancer was stage 111c and is now classed as a chronic disease. So although it MAY come back Lynn, all of our cancers are different and non of us react the same to treatments.

I have Reiki at least once a week, I treat myself to a monthly facial, I have my manicures, in fact I pamper myself. Why not when my body is going through hell with my treatment.

We all go through rough patches, I did a couple of weeks ago and my Oncologist nicely put me in my place and said he is not giving up on me. So yes whilst I may contradict what I said earlier -99% of the time I am positive, I just have the odd blip.

Please try not to worry, there are so many success stories on this site, keep positive - IT WORKS.

Love and hugs
Anna xx

Hi Anna

I have re read my post and am really really sorry that I seem to have given the impression that being positive wasn't important and/or that being overly negative was OK. What I was trying to convey was that we shouldn't beat ourselves up if we feel down sometimes. I also totally agree with all your excellent points about treats, setting yourself goals and keeping fit physically.

Apologies again.

Love to all

Charlie xxx

Hi Lynne
I am sorry that you are feeling so low at the moment but it is hard to go through the shock of diagnosis and treatment without it all seeming overwhelming at times. Staying 'positive' and 'upbeat' is easy tosay - much harder to say than achieve. I first had oc stage 3 in 1997/1998 - surgery on New Year's Eve then chemo for the next 6 months. I was 57 - enjoyinng my work and my interesting life. Strangely it never occured to me then that i may not survive - and i just got used to organising my life round chemo and stuff. Afterwards many health professionals said the 'positive attitude' saved me - but I don't think i was positove - just ignorant.

Since the beginning of 2010, by which time I knew a great deal about oc, i have been diagnosed again with advanced OC , had two cycles of chemo and more surgery. I have now reached the stage where further treatment seems less that useful so am working with the pallitive care team to remain comfortable - and that seems to be working. I have to cut down on activities but mostly we ae enjoying life. My husband and I (the royal We) do have down days - of course we do - but mostly, witha great deal of help from the doctor and urgery, the community tean and the oc specialists we are enjoying our time together, our friends amd family.

I tell you all this because I don't think there is any magic formula for dealing with the negative feelings. I think that you must be a lot younger than me - I was 70 last November - so you must feel that time is being stolen from you. And, as you say, even if the onclogist gives you the all clear you still have to get used to living with a question mark over the future. You will do it but it is hard. This web site has been invaluabe and my Inner Circle private blog allows me to stay in touch with old and new friends. The main thing that I discovered is that 'people' - their support, laughter and affection - have provided the secure background that keeps us happy.

I don't supose any this too long message helps you much but we learnt to take help when it was offered and to to realise how lucky we are to have some very special people in our lives.

love Angela

Sorry - meant to say that "staying positive and upbeat is much EASIER to stay tha to achieve".
Amgela

I think maybe part of the problem is that you don't have the facts yet. You don't know what your onc will say at the end of chemo.Hopefully your CA125 will be low, you'll feel a rush of relief that the ordeal's over, which will last a few days until you start worrying what's going to happen next medical appointment, next time you feel a twinge in your stomach you are sure the cancer is back, and so on.
You need to break that pattern. You need to be active in maintaining calm, a stress free lifestyle for the first few weeks at least, investigate relaxation methods that others find help, such as Dr Bernie Seagal's CDs. Omega three oils, green and black teas, and other herbal teas, gentle exercise, having interests and staying positive all help.

Sorry, I posted that too soon. Nobody can be positive all the time. We all have downer moments. Plan in advance - what helps you best? Is it calling a good friend, a nurse you formed a relationship with, sitting down and watching repeats on TV, drinking coffee and having a slice of cake. A slice of cake should be allowed in the most rigorous diet if you want one, otherwise the stress of following the diet will became too great and stress causes as many if not more problems than diet.
Even a stiff drink on a rare occassion.
We are only human, fighting this disease that not even the brightest minds in the world understand completely. We can do but our best and pray that God or ourselves will get us through.
If anyone knew how to cure cancer, none of us would be here. There are all sorts of indications that this diet or that supplement help. I personally use supplements that are being studied at several cancer hospitals in the US.
Beyond that, I have an oncologist who I believe will fight to get me the right treatment, whatever that is, whenever I need it. So I don't worry about that at all.
I've been in remission since first line chemo for nearly 22 months. I hope remission lasts and lasts, but I know I would be very lucky if that happened. I am cautiously confident that if I need chemo again, I will get back into remission.
That's all I can say for the moment. It's been a long hard journey to get here.
I hope each and every one of you makes it, gets further than I have.
Chrissie xox

Hi Lynn!
Sorry you feel so down! I was told only a minority get to 5 years but statistics do not predict the fate of individuals and life is a terminal condition with far worse things than this disease on the cards! Parkinsons, MND, alzheimers, a stroke, anything that robs you of control or individuality! I am an atheist! I may get a terrible shock but I concentrate on the now. Enjoy today, eat good, healthy, enjoyable food; do things you enjoy and put nothing off. Try to concentrate on now rather than worry about what may happen, after all, before you had this diagnosis I don't suppose you spent time worrying that you might have a stroke, a heart attack or get knocked down by a bus.

Concentrate on enjoying each day. Look at the colour of the trees and the sky, enjoy friends and family and concentrate on living now! None of us knows when and how we are going to die, we've just had one possibility pushed to the fore. Like Angela I am in my 70's (71 last June) so maybe being so ancient helps LOL! My ambition is to see my 12 year old Grandson graduate! All my onc said was "lets get to GCSE's and see how we go from there! That was 21/2 years ago! I have had further surgery, have my bum on my tum and I have opera and theatre tickets up until June when I will, of course, renew my subscription to Opera North for another year!

Perhaps it is easier for me that I live alone. I do not have to be brave for anyone else! When I am tired I lie down and I make myself go out every day. There are worse things to have and life is still very good!

Dear Lynn

I'm really so sorry you feel so down. That's probably an understatement of how you're feeling. I had a similar diagnosis last March. Hopefully you will find friends and comfort on this site.

What I do urge you to do is to think about seeking a counsellor. It's good to get feedback from others with the same disease but I feel you need to speak to someone who has years of experience and training and who can help you to release all those positive thoughts which are currently trapped inside you. I know they're there and they're desperate to come out to comfort you and give you a sense of direction.

You'll see from the posts that we all have different ways of dealing with our diagnoses. Don't get bogged down worrying that you haven't yet found what works for you.

You say you have other worries and aspects of your life that are bad. I promise that counselling will help you talk through all your problems and prioritise what you need to do first to start getting your life back. There are always options. You don't have to live with so much unhappiness.

Take heart from all our good wishes. Please see someone soon. Once you start to feel you're in control again we can send you loads of ideas to keep up your spirits.

Bless you.

Sending loads of love and hugs. xxxx Annie

Hi Lynn
The others have given good advice but I just wanted to add that it is best not to worry about not feeling positive or that feeling like that will affect your recovery. Sometimes one has to go through a black phase in order to lay it aside and reach the easier times and as the replies show we all have our down spells.However it is important to be active about your state of mind.You say that you have other problems in your life - try to think of one small step you could really take to help that. I see that you are a reader - that is a great source of escape but chose authors who can give you a smile. - Alexander McCall Smith is one of mine.

Think we all go through this feeling at the end of treatment, whether its the first or as it is for me the 3rd, tomorrow is my last chemo for my 2nd recurrence. So you are not alone in feeling worried and down, however all the others here have given such good advice on how to cope. If it does not improve for you maybe your GP couldl prescribe a mild anti anxiety med. to take the edge of. and let you get on with enjoying your life.

Becalms advice to read books by Alexander McCall Smith is good, I listened to all the No 1 Ladies detective books on tape in hospital after my surgery. I wish you all the best

Oh Lynn, I wish I could send you a hug, I am not sure if there is a magic answer to your question.

I am stage 3c, got the all clear for a month, have been living the past three months with a suspicion that my friend is returning. My ca125 is on the way up and have a suspect area on the scan. All is to be revealed next week.

I do not let my monkey on my shoulder get the better of me. I have a dog and walk for miles. Volunteer at the hospital and keep very busy.

This is my second lots of cancer in 6years, the first was carcinoma of the salivary gland.

I do agree, having a counsellor is so helpful. you can swear like h..l, and hit the wall if that will help.

Cancer has taught me to see life differently, I listen and observe the world around me and always try to think that there are people worse than me, but I am not saint, it is how I cope with this blo..y load of .........

I have become quite selfish, instead of doing what I think I should do, I try to do what I want to do within reason.

I am not sure if this will help, but you are quite normal in feeling like this, go with the flow. I have had to do this since diagnosis last february and still learning how to live this life which has changed so much.

Take care.

Fiona.x

Thank you girls each and every one of you! You,re stars!
Im going to try and apply some of the coping strategies you,ve all suggested.Its a bad feeling being so scared 24hrs a day 7 days aweek eh?? What scares me too is i had no symptoms only a tiny niggle like an ovualtion pain. This is my 2nd cancer im currently in remission from Non hodgkins lymphoma. I had a scan (full body ) for this in Feb 2011 and all was fine I went back in Aug and there it was a tumour on the right ovary so i had a full hysterectomy and bebulking etc and stated chemo after 5 weeks ost op. So when we get a litlle twinge anywhere is any one else the same as me and think OhOh its spread??? Hell im a worrier arent i? But thank you girls really By the way im 61 just turned Love and ((((HEALING HUGS)))) to you all Lynn XXXX

Dear lynn
You have had lots of good advice already. It has taken me 24 hours 'thinking' to work out what I can usefully say. I will keep it short.
A GP said to me (when I was so depressed I could hardly get out of bed) that I had to make myself do 'nice things; even if it felt like sawdust in my mouth'. I will never forget that turn of phrase. What she meant was that I had to force myself to go out for lunch with a friend, go to the beach or play with my children even if it was the last thing I felt like doing. Eventually you do find yourself enjoying life again and more able to put things into perspective.
Lots of love
Sarah

Hi Lynn,
Just remember honey you are normal - if any one person who has gone through or going through what you are/have who said they never felt like you do right now, then we would be lieing through the skin of our teeth.

We all have good days and bad days emotionally as well as physically.

We all get into that fight with depression or mood swings.

We all worry, we all fear, we all feel negative, this is what makes us who we are and what we are - its human!!!!

So the art is how to cope? how to deal with the fears? how to stop thinking too much? the list goes on and on doesn`t it?

Days I have stayed in bed until lunch time because I have no apathy to get up - I kick myself and talk to myself strictly, I tell myself that if I get really sick I won`t have this choice about sleeping half my day away because the world seems too big and bad!
So I will start with my first tip of the day:- HOW TO GET OUT OF BED?
* Make sure you have already made your tick list
* Tick each and every task you need to do
* go for a pee*
* clean teeth and wash face
* make bed so you woin`t be telmpted to climb back under the duvet.
* make a cupa tea
* think about what you`d like to do today
* Take your shower and wash your hair, stay in the shower for as long as you wish
* Dry yourself
* Apply make up - looking good may help YOU feel better, do this for your own benefit and noone elses, remember this is for YOU!!!!!
* Dry hair
* And now dress up - wear the most comfortable glamorous thing you have in your wardrobe.

If you can get this far before starting each and every day you have mastered the art of combatting some of your depression.
THEN get busy, do whatever makes you happy, go shopping, phone a friend, go out for lunch with a friend, do you favourite hobby, watch a film, read a book or make a list.

Write a list of all the things that make you happy!
Write down ten grest things you want to live for!
Write down as many situations that would be wosre than what you are going through - belive you me you can alwasy compare yourself to many.
And add your own along the way.

I use this technique often and it really does help me. If you are unable to master it all at once, don`t worry, take yourself as far as you are able too. And keep telling yourself how well you are doing.
Live each day as though it is your last, learn to say no to others whithout the guilt of feeling selfish.
Don`t try to be too brave.
Learn to speak your own mind.
Select friends carefully.
Never feel too proud to ask or accept help and support from others.
If we dwell too much on how much time we may have left in this world there is little point in getting better, in remission, or simply having a good day today.

And most importanlty remember you are not on your own, you are normal and we all understand you with our love from Tina xxx

Have not been diagnosed yet, just vaginal bleeds and abdominal problems. Have read all advice and how brave all are so should be able to tough it out if need be. Bless you all. x

Adding to the above, ask your GP for an anti-deppresant, they do help. I take citralopran.

Hi Lynn Please stay positive, I was diagnosed on 2002 when I was 51 years of age, stage 3c I have had a lot of chemo and lost my hair 7 times!!! Great wigs along the way!! also have been on clinical trials twice at Royal Marsden Hospital in Surrey, only had to come off the drug because it caused some inflammation in my lungs. I was told all those years ago (10yrs this year) that I would probably see three years but I am still going strong. I celebrated my 60th birthday back in October 2011 and this year am going to celebrate 10 years of living with cancer by having a lovely celebration party in August so am about to start arranging it now. When I was diagnosed, my GP gave me a leaflet for a cancer support group in my area, I reluctantly went along but am so glad I did. I met another Lady there who was diagnosed one year before me but she had a grade 4 OC and was given 1 year to live, she is celebrating 11 years of living with OC cancer this year. I remember one Consultant who came to give a talk to our group last year who said it was his most positive thinking patients who lived longer and are still living. I get up every day get dressed put on my make up and go for it. if you want to call me anytime e mail me and I will give you my number. x x Sandra

PS My friend is quite involved with Macmillan regarding OC and gives a lot of talks, she has also been to speak recently in the House of Commons x xsandra

Hi Sandra thanks for response Please send me your e-mail and we can chat! And to all the other girls too any e-mails welcome I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your in put Love and hugs to all of you Lynn XXXXX

HI Lynn my e.mail is Sandrarum@talktalk.net phone number is 0121 705 1321 mobile 0781 608 4571 hope to hear from you soon, my home nuber has answerphone so if I am not in leave me a message and your number!!!

Hi Sandra, i will e-mail you soon. I live in South Africa but i am Welsh born. Im going to definitely be in touch. My e-mail is edwardsal@telkomsa.net Love and hugs will chat soon Lynn XXXXXX

Hi all my friends,
Well i had my last chemo yesterday but have to wait 3 weeks for a scan to see if im in remission. My CA125 was up to 11 but thats ok. I asked onc about recurrence and he said (quite bluntly) yes it can come back in amonth or 3 months etc.Then i asked him about his longest survivor(we have an accent propblem too ) so he said 2 years but i was wondering if he meant that was the longest remission he had. I also asked him about Avastin and he said its available here. I thought it was apill but its a chemo drip. Anyway im hyper today after cortisone but will be buggered ina minute. I got my Grandsons 4 th birthday tomorrow so i hope im ok to go see him. Its very hot here and i dont like the heat but i,ll sit in the shade. Anyway im sending love and (((( healing hugs )))) to you all. Have a great weekend !!